Hazardous Occupations
1 ANTI-CAPITALIST PROTESTER - Protesters outside St. Paul’s Cathedral were trespassing with intent, but were they in the tents?
2 CLEANER - Her boss might find that she doesn’t get rid of the dirt, she just puts it somewhere else.
3 LANDLORD - The duty of the landlord is to collect the rent, otherwise he might lose his property.
4 GENERAL PRACTITIONER - An NHS GP runs out of “patience” because he’s overworked and might have a nervous breakdown. A private GP can go out of business, if he doesn’t have enough “patients.”
5 SECRETARY - She has to keep her boss’s secrets to herself.
6 BANKER - If he keeps hedging the wrong bet, the bank might go bust. The banker takes away the umbrella when it is snowing and he goes on a skiing holiday in Switzerland.
7 BOOKSELLER - I went to three branches of a large chain of bookshops. The particular book I was looking for wasn’t in stock and it would take a week to order. I just exclaimed to the assistant, “It’s like getting water from a stone!”
8 WAITER - He has to serve a dozen people at the same time and take complaints about keeping them waiting, on the chin. Service is not included but if you ask nicely we might consider it.
9 PORTER/Reporter He knows what is going on in the neighbourhood but if he is indiscreet it might rebound on him.
10 CONTROLLING BOSS - He is in control of his staff but he cannot control himself.
11 TAXI - He has to deal with short journeys, people who don’t have the right change, expect to be picked up at awkward places and have to look out for traffic wardens. A taxi is like a tax, he levies money to get to person’s property, business or pleasure.
12 RAILWAYMAN - He was training to be an actor but he forgot the lines.
13 WRITER - If he has a writer’s block, his pay cheques will be blocked.
14 SECRETARY - When she is asked how many words per minute she did, the boss retorts, “On the computer or the telephone?”
15 PROFIT - CASH MARKET PROPHET - FUTURES MARKET
16 RESTAURANT CUSTOMER - What’s the damage waiter? Financially or medically?
17 MUSICIAN - Music is the food of love, but don’t disturb the neighbours.
18 TEACHER - He needs to learn as much as he teaches.
19 SECURITY GUARD - It doesn’t matter how strong he is, as long as he is secure in his mind.
20 HIGH COMMISSIONER - He charges the highest interest.
21 AGENT - He finds it hard to be a gent.
22 PROPERTY MANAGER - Asked if he was busy. He answers, ‘No. That’s because we’re fully let.’
23 TEACHER - Better to teach someone who knows nothing than someone who knows everything.
24 BLACK CAB DRIVER - The customer wanted to go from A to B, not A to Z
25 CATERING STAFF - Catering staff are like waves, they change from time to time.
26 BEGGAR - Local people don’t want to start an account.
27 PROPERTY MANAGER - He is in charge of propping up the property.
28 TEACHER - He does it by example, it’s ample.
29 STUDENTS - They have no class. 30 NEWSAGENT - He makes the news.
31 POSTMAN - Postman Pat, apart from patting on someone else’s door, he has to deal with dogs snapping at his feet.
32 BANKER The head of a banking group goes on sick leave, till the end of the year due to fatigue. When he returns, should he not do “fatigue duty” - cleaning up the mess that his bank is in.
33 ESTATE AGENT - Seen in the shop window of a Mayfair estate agent: “Highway Robbery. Stop Westminster Council Stealing Mayfair Parking Spaces”. Have you heard of a Mayfair property going for a “steal”?
34 PSYCHIATRIST - He confirms what you find out after years of looking.
35 STATIONER - Where’s my pen? Why is the stationery never stationary?
36 BOOKMAKER - Where do the lads get broke? Ladbrokes.
37 FIGHTER - You cannot fight everyone but you can make everyone die of laughter.
38 ROAD DIGGER - Is a hole in the road just like a hole in the wall?
39 TENANT - The more tenants there are, the later the rent gets paid.
40 AIR STEWARDESS - One kiss - and whoosh she’s gone.
41 BOXER - When he retires, he then takes one fight at a time.
42 CLERIC - Religion brings man closer to God, but separates man from man.
43 JOKER - There’s always a yolk in a joke.
44 TOILET ATTENDANT - “The toilets are out of order - Sorry for the inconvenience”
45 PEDESTRIANS - They are hardly pedestrian, because we all have to cross the road.
46 PSYCHIC - Everyone has a side-kick. 47 PRINCIPAL - We all have to have principles, because we are the principal.
48 MANAGER - He hands a new employee a mobile phone and says, ‘You will be able to be contacted at any property you will be working at, in an emergency.’ The employee asked what the phone was called. He replied ‘Mobile’ The employee cheekily said, ‘You don’t mean “Immobile!”’
49 WINDOW CLEANER - He cleans the windows so that there is no dirt or mark to be seen and also he can be able to see more clearly, what is going on in the property.
50 WRITER - He is asked, ‘But do you make money?’ The author replies, ‘No, but I do make notes.’
51 PUBLICAN - Passing by my local pub, I was surprised to see a sign above the door that said, “LIVE HERE!” Do football fans take their sleeping bags and camp by the TV?
52 EGO - Don’t put two egos in one basket.
53 WAITER - When you have ‘din-dins’ there’s a lot of noise.
54 GARDENER - A woman tells the gardener that the flowers have died. He points out that the flowers are seasonal. A passer-by interjects, “So are women!”
55 NEWSAGENT - People say nothing is as useless as an out of date newspaper but have you tried to get one when you needed it.
56 LIBRARIAN - Read a book and book yourself into another world.
57 PSYCHIATRIST - He says, ‘Take these pills and you’ll be all right.’ I tell him that there’s nothing wrong with me. He replies, “I know that but it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”
58 MEMBERSHIP MANAGER - “Are you a member?” “I cannot remember.”
59 BARMAN - At my local pub there was a poster that read: ‘Book now for Christmas.’ But someone had written at the top of the sign, ‘Read the…’
60 AUTHOR - He asserts his authority on the reader.
61 SOLDIER - You don’t have to use a revolver to have a revolution.
62 DANCER - If you can dance, you’re not a dunce.
63 DEPARTMENT STORE MANAGER - I love getting lost in a department store.
64 ESTATE AGENT - FOR SALE/TO LET or to bargain.
65 DISC JOCKEY - It’s wonderful to listen to pop music on the radio but one has to hear the adverts and the DJ’s chatter, as well as waiting a long time to hear your dedication played. So the music eventually pops out!
66 CLEANER - She should be reliable because she’s the representative of the whole building she’s cleaning. Every new cleaner makes a clean-sweep of the premises. If she is good it is one way of checking everything is in working order.
67 CUSTOMER - Here comes the next custom…I mean customer.
68 TRANSGRESSOR - There’s goodness in everyone, you have to get the goodness out of the bad.
69 INSTRUCTOR - READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, but sometimes you have to break all the rules.
70 LABEL MAKER - Make sure that when you make a label, it can come off because things change.
71 HISTORIAN - It’s historic, but we don’t know the full story.
72 BANKER - Why are special days called ‘Bank Holidays’. That’s because the banks can go on holiday with the interest they charge their customers for the money they borrow on ‘Bank Holidays’.
73 NEIGHBOUR - No one is indispensable, except the one next to you.
74 ELECTRICIAN - You have to start from the bottom of the ladder to get to the top.
75 SHOP ADVISER - If someone asks you for directions, be sure you know where you are.
76 STAGE MANAGER - For every sound we make we have to pay the price with silence.
77 PHOTOGRAPHER - Make the light of day and develop the pictures at night.
78 HOME OWNER - Home is where the heart is, but the blood runs faster.
79 SPEAKER - If you make a statement, you get a lot of questions.
80 ANGEL - You’re an angel from any angle. 81 CHILDREN - They are our future, but they remember the past.
82 FOOL - You cannot fool all the people all the time, but you can fool some of the people some of the time - and make a living.
83 SOLICITOR - Someone says to him “ Call me when you’re free.”
84 MARATHON RUNNER - Someone asks me why one calls it a “Half Marathon”. I reply “Because the other half is trying to find a parking space nearby!”
85 PROPHET - We all profit from a prophet. 86 POLICEMAN - I need a rest, before I get arrested.
87 NEWSAGENT - There’s always bad news in the papers but the staff cheer you up.
88 ACTOR - I handed my book to a famous actor once, when I saw him next, I asked him for his opinion of the book. He nonchalantly replied, “ Actually I’m busy reading a film script.”
89 WALKER - When you walk you lift your feet and your mood.
90 JOBS THAT BEGIN WITH P, P is for POLITICIANS, P is for PRESS, P is for POLICE - That reminds me I forgot to pull the chain!
91 NORMAL - You wouldn’t be normal, if you didn’t react in an abnormal way.
92 WILL - Where there’s a will, there’s somebody in the way.
93 REBEL - A rebel with a pause.
94 BARMAN - We have to break the ice to keep each other warm.
95 LIAR - Life is not full of lies, it’s laced with a bit of truth.
96 LOOK UP - Someone who puts someone on a pedestal, sometimes falls flat on his face.
97 JEWELLER - A customer asks for a new battery. He says, “I came for my annual check-up.”
98 ARCHITECT - An architect friend of mine was going out with a female architect. I told him,“ I hope you build something together.”
99 INSURED - My friend and I were crossing the road. He said, “You always let me cross the road first.” I retorted, “I’m not heavily insured!”
100 PLAYWRIGHT - Oscar Wilde left his most tragic part for himself.
101 BANK CASHIER - The till is protected by a delayed time-lock - i.e. the person behind the till.
102 JACK OF ALL TRADES - A master of one - life.
103 BOYFRIEND - ‘ Have you gone back to your boyfriend?’ “No. I’ve even forgotten his phone number.”
104 LIAR - Underneath a white lie, is a black truth.
105 CASANOVA - He will always promise you a new home.
106 AUTHOR - Sometimes when a book is a classic, the writer is not remembered.
107 EDITOR - He works on somebody else’s writing, in his own time.
108 BUILDER – He was trying to break a chair into a skip, that came from a student hostel from across the road from me – but without success. So I told him, “ I’ll bring you one of our students, he’ll show you how!”
109 BLACK CAB DRIVER CUSTOMER- A Taxi chooses you, you don’t choose him.
110 DUSTMAN – Be careful when a dustman tries to sweep rubbish from under your feet – it can become so awkward that it becomes a feat.
111 HEALTH SHOP MANAGER – I went into a health shop and said, ‘This is a health shop, where is the wealth shop?’ I was surprised when the manager replied, “The bank is next to the church. Actually, it is in the church.”
112 TRAFFIC WARDEN – Ward-off!
113 BUILDER – A builder friend of mine went into a newsagent and asked for a packet of salted peanuts. On seeing the price he commented, ‘ Where I live, I can get them much cheaper.’ The newsagent replied, “ You can get them cheaper in the pub across the road – but they’ll be extras!”
114 PEDESTRIAN – He gets cross if, when at a zebra-crossing, the driver doesn’t stop.
115 TAXI DRIVER – Beware of a ‘free’ taxi, because he doesn’t know where he is going.
116 JEWELLER – Why does he open later and close earlier than other shops – so that he has less chance of being robbed.
117 CHARITY WORKER – Sometimes letters from charities are unstamped. You have to pay even before you open the letter.
118 COMPANY – MAYFAIR – A commercial business. COMPANY – KENSINGTON – The fact of being with other people.
119 SURVEYOR - He takes a general view of the said building, including the opinion of his secretary, his colleagues, as well as his client’s and client’s secretary’s views.
120 APARTMENT - we are not meant to be apart.
© Robert D Dangoor 2012
